Sunday, May 12, 2013

Depression Crash

I have slowly opened up to people around me about my ongoing struggle with depression. It seems like the more I acknowledge its existence, the less of a hold it has over me.

Friday morning I was at the peak of a huge high. It had been slowly intensifying over a week or so and I knew the upcoming crash was going to hurt. Luckily I was able to rearrange my schedule last minute so I had Friday night off.

Something I've learned recently is how to anticipate my crashes and do everything I can to avoid them interfering with my work. When I clocked out Friday morning I was feeling good. Even though I knew things weren't going to last I was determined to savor what was left.

After dropping flowers off at work for my Mom (happy nurses week by the way!) I headed to the bank to cash my check. Ever since injuring my ankle last week I knew I needed real running shoes. Since I'm prone to clumsiness anyway, it seemed like I was just setting myself up for a world of hurt if I didn't invest in the correct gear for my newfound passion.

So I had budgeted out money for some fancy new kicks. I ran to the store for new workout pants and socks, and then went to the only shoe shop in town that caters to people needing speciality shoes for work/hiking/ect.

I'd been to this place earlier in the week and had a great experience with a woman clerk. She fit me (just for size - not gait/running style) and set aside the shoes for me to pick up after I got paid. I spent all week fantasizing about these shoes.

The reviews I read online were great, and the online fit guides all pointed me to this shoe as well. They were expensive though. $110 is a ton of money to me. Money I could have used for a lot of other things.

Unfortunately the lady who had helped me earlier in the week was not at the store. I was helped by the store owner who told me I am too heavy to run, and while he knew it wasn't his place, he was sure I would injure myself.

CRASH. All the joy I had about this purchase gone in an instant. I paid for the shoes and left, already crying. It took me hours to actually put them on. I posted to Facebook about my experience and received an overwhelming amount of support.

I stumbled through the rest of the day, trying to do things that would postpone the low that always follows a high. I shopped. Walked. Talked. Went to the beach and the farmers market.
Bandon
And went off the deep end as soon as I got home.

I binged like crazy. I'd sleep, eat, read, wake up and eat, then sleep again. After 24 hours of this behavior I was shaking. Everything looked hazy. I couldn't focus. I wanted to die. I felt so worthless.

I turned my phone back on and went back and read all the supportive things people had said on my post. I prayed for healing. Slowly I am cleaning up after the mess I made of my house. I showered and put on clean clothes. I'm making healthy cookies for Mothers Day.
Brooks Addiction 10
When the sun comes up I am going to put on my shoes and run. That man is wrong. With God (and the wonderful people He has put in my life) on my side I can do ANYTHING.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

12 comments:

  1. Oh when that dreadful "black dog" shows up at our feet! He follows us around and bites down our accomplishments; he growls at our performances.

    Rachel, I think you are doing an amazing thing in bringing out your depression. I know for my own experiences that depression is much more powerful when hidden from our personal world. We have to bring it out and talk it away, using scripts that we sometimes find hard to believe at first. Words that eventually heal; words that others find easy in their descriptions of us because they see our person without having to look through depression's dark haze.

    Special, intelligent, compassionate, loving, empathetic, spiritual, leader, wonderful. These are some of the words you project, these are part of the real you; these words are strong medicine when you remind yourself they belong to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Greg. That means a lot to me!

      Delete
  2. I read about your experience on Runs for Cookies & I just wanted to come & offer you encouragement & just reiterate that NO ONE can tell you what you can and can't do when it comes to the goals you have set! You are already running more than me if you are running at all. I'm 12 lbs into the quest to lose 109 lbs and so far I'm still walking. Keep up the awesome work!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Katie, thanks for coming over, and good luck on your journey to health. I hope you run someday if thats something you want to do.

      Delete
  3. I suffer from depression too and I am struggling with it now, trying to keep it away, but it is not easy.

    I am so sorry that man said that to you, he may have had good intentions, but it really wasn't his place to give you advice. You are doing AWESOME and you have such great determination you are an inspiration. Keep on running :).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Christine. Depression is a drag. Ugh. I'll pray for you and your struggle.

      Delete
  4. I read about your awesome achievements on Runs for Cookies and I just wanted to say what an awesome job you've done so far! Don't ever let anyone tell you that you can't do something! I'm glad you were able to move past that horrible store clerk and find it in yourself to try out your shoes!! You are amazing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you. I've been putting miles on the shoes and enjoying them to the max. ; )

      Delete
  5. Dropping by from Katie's MM post. It is awful that he said that to you. Some people just don't think before they open their mouths, possibly because if they did they might never have anything to say. ;) I'm pleased you didn't let him stop you, carry on running.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Shell, I love your name! I always wanted to go by Shellie. Thanks for your encouragement.

      Delete
  6. Also dropping by from Katie's MM post. I can't believe this jerk said that! You have taken the steps and are doing amazing things to change your life. I don't think some people have a clue how their words can just tear someone down in a second. I am so glad Katie posted you on the post this week. I have only read through a few blog posts, but I am already hooked! You are fantastic and I hope you understand how motivational you are to other people!!! I just started the C25k program and was worried I was "too fat" to run. BUT now, when I go out there I am going out there to prove a point.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Connie, thanks for coming over. I'm glad my journey is inspirational to someone. Good luck on your C25k! That was my initial plan, but there is a local 10k here every year, so I upped my goal.

      Delete