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Rachel on Road.

Sunshine

The sun is beating down on the Southwest region of the United States, something you may already know if you watch/read the news. What you won't hear a lot about is the heat we are experiencing in the Pacific Northwest, which is accompanied by an unusual 100% humidity. The normal summer temperature here is 72 to 73 degrees (62-65 in town) with low humidity. Today town hit 81 and where I live hit 92. Throw in a high pollen level and having to sleep in a sun-room during the day...

I haven't been sleeping. Not sleeping, pollen, and humidity all trigger my asthma. Struggling to breath makes me tired. I skip working out when I'm tired. When I don't work out I stress out about not working out. There is enough going on in my life that I don't need to stress about anything else right now!

Work has been busy, I worked 95 hours in two weeks, and was scheduled to work 107. When I got off this morning I begged a coworker to take my shift tonight and went to my Mom's to sleep. She doesn't live far from me so it was already 90 degrees when I got there, but she has more fans and not as many windows (I have south, east, and north facing windows - it's more a steam room than a sun-room at the moment)... so I crawled in to bed and actually got 8 solid hours of sleep today.

Then I got up and worked out. I ran 1 mile and walked 1 mile. It felt great to be working out for the first time in NINE days. Sleeping, working out, and not working are making me feel better already. My asthma is still touchy, but hopefully I will be able to sleep at night until this heat wave passes.

Tuesday Timeout - Week 3

Weigh In: 312.5

Starting weight: 360lbs, Week 2 weight: 310lbs. Total loss: 48.5lbs, Weekly loss: -2.5lbs.
I'm disappointed but realize this number could be worse. My diet was a wreck, and I indulged almost every day. Going up 2.5lbs hurts, but it's better than 5lbs.

Non Scale Victories:

I drank wine! With a friend! While watching a movie! At her house! Yeahp, definitely a victory for me. I'm not much of a social person, and tend to bail out on plans that include other people. Plus I wasn't sure how I would tolerate alcohol on my new medications. One glass seemed to be perfect and I enjoyed the movie and her company.

Recap:

For the most part last week sucked. I didn't get enough sleep, didn't eat or drink well, and didn't work out like I wanted to. Working 7 days out of 8 was a bad idea, and I ended up missing meds and sleeping too much. I did make some important choices, and look forward to seeing them payout through the rest of the year. 

My garden took off and I've harvested all my spinach (which is already regrowing) and a good part of my collard greens. The hot peppers in the green house suffered though, and I'm not sure they are going to make it. I also lost two gold fish, which means the one left is lonely. I'll have to deal with that this weekend.

Goal Recap:

No carbonated beverages. - About 75% successful, I had two sodas... both at the end of my long week.
Work out 3 times by Tuesday. - Failed. I only worked out once.
Stay sane. - Not sure how, but I managed this one.
No fast food. - 100% success!

Week 4 Goals:

Work out 3 times.
No carbonated beverages.
Don't miss any meds.
No junk food.

Crazy Choices!

The 10 days have not been all that great. Between the crazy work schedule, a change in my meds, payday, and some unneeded drama I am whooped. There ups and downs with my eating, some days were better than others. My sleep suffered so much that one day I crashed in town on friends couch instead of brave the 45 minute drive home.

I have decided to move. The cottage I live in now is serene, and when I first moved in the distance from town was perfect. It kept me from using shopping as therapy and helped me realize how important downtime is after work. I also became much more comfortable behind the wheel, and learned to drive while tired. 

Unforgettably there are times I am simply too tired. 45 minutes each way and 12 hour shifts eat in to the time I have to sleep while home. Another reason I've decided to move is school. It's time to go back, and I can't afford the gas to drive both to work and college. After writing out a pros and cons list I decided it was time to go. Hopefully I will find out Wednesday if the place I looked at in town is mine!

As much as I will miss the cheap rent, gorgeous yard, and quiet community I am looking forward to being less than 2 miles from my work, doctor, psychiatrist, a gym, the store, college, and my friends. Even though the rent will be more expensive, I will still be saving money on gas and laundry, since there are washer/dryer hook-ups. I'll have to get some furniture, since the cottage came partially furnished, a dining table or desk, an end table and coffee table, rugs, oh... and a washer and a dryer.

School, moving... It's been a crazy week in my head and instead of running it out I indulged in food. Tuesday's weigh-in isn't going to be pretty. I am slowly getting myself back on track and hope to handle the upcoming changes in a healthier way.

Tuesday Timeout - Week 2

I drafted this post in my notebook last night at work, thinking I'd get up early enough today to write it out before work. Instead I slept until the last moment and left my notebook at home by the computer. Hopefully I can remember everything. On to this weeks Tuesday Timeout!

Weigh In: 310 

Starting weight: 360lbs, Week 1 weight: 312lbs. Total loss: 50lbs, Week 1 loss: 2lbs.

I was actually pleasantly suprised to have a loss this week. Monday was my splurge today (normally it's Wednesdays) and I had a ton of sodium, so I expected to mantain, rather than lose. Down is good!

Non Scale Victories:

I PR'd my best mile! Driving home from work I kept going over my best mile 16:52, trying to figure out how I did it, convincing myself there was no way I'd be able to beat that PR anytime soon as my normal mile is still around the 18 minute mark. Then I got to the gym and killed it.

New PR.

Recap:

Medication side effects are slowly becoming a thing of the past. I feel more like me this past week, which is hard to describe. I still feel different, but the more emotional/creative side of my brain has started to push through the the fog of the mood stablizers. I do enjoy being more productive and focused though. So this new balance is encouraging.

My expirement with individual sunteas went very well, this is something I will be repeating this throughout the summer. Crazy Week at work is almost halfway over. I failed to prepare for it as well as I should have, which has made it more stressful. If this ever happens again (working 7 days out of 8) I WILL make sure I am on the ball about packing lunches, having laundry done, and the house clean before the week starts.

Goals Recap:

Track food every day. - Succes! I tracked 6 out of 7.

Stick to meal plan. - Fail. I stuck to a plan 1 day of 7.
Work out 3 times by Monday. - Succes. I am enjoying the gym, I run faster/harder on the treadmill and don't feel as worried about dizziness/falling as I do on the road. Having access to all the other equipment is nice too. I also get sweatier, which makes me feel more succesful.

Soaked with sweat!

Drink only water, fresh juice, tea, or coffee. (Chocolate almond milk ok as a treat) : Fail. I drank soda several times.
Stay sane: Mostly succesful, better planner would be helpful.

Week 3 Goals:

No carbonated beverages.
Work out 3 times by Tuesday.
Stay sane.
No fast food.

Happy Father's Day

My Dad was always around when I was growing up. He met my Mom young, and they had been married for nearly 23 years when he died. There are very few memories of my childhood that don't involve him in one way or another. He collected strays, welcoming people in to our home, feeding them even though we rarely had enough to go around. My parents always said that our family had the gift of poverty. 

As a Reverend and Chaplain his work entailed ministering to our community, a job which he took to heart. I learned the importance of volunteering and public service from my Dad. I still remember the way he looked in his Navy whites, even though I was tiny the last time he wore them. Towards the end of his life he had shifted from leading churches to ministering to inmates. He led a service every week for men who were not able to attend Sunday services because of their past history. Dad never condoned the crimes these men had committed, but his faith in a forgiving God was unwavering.

I don't want to paint a perfect picture of him, which is easy to do when someone is gone... but today is a day to honor him, and so I will just say that I couldn't have asked for better. Missing him is something I will live with until I go home for good and get to walk the streets of gold together. 

God didn't stop there though. For the past 6 years I've had a pretty awesome Step-dad. Our relationship was rocky for a long time, and honestly we are still learning each other. The best thing about Bill is the sheer volume of his love for my Mom. He is always there for my sisters and I when we truly need him, and he pushes... pushes us to try harder, to be more independent.. to break the mold. 

Bill is a retired Marine and is very involved with the AA in our area. It's funny how my Mom found someone who is incredibly differently, but eerily similar to my Dad. Bill has never treated my sisters or myself as anything other than his girls. And when it comes to the grand-babies... he has that touch. As much as my nephew L looks my Dad, many of his mannerisms are Bill's.

Although my precious nieces and nephews will never know the man I grew up calling Dad, they have a Grandpa any child would be delighted to love.

Happy Father's Day!

One thousand four-hundred thirty-eight

I burned 1,428 calories today. Which I used to have small, but amazing late birthday celebration at the river followed by baby back ribs, baked potatoes, and brussel sprouts. Turning 29 was fun, I was spoiled (my family is extremely low key with birthdays). My parents bought me a scarf, a trivet, paint brushes (yay!), and a butterfly decoration for my car. My sister is sending a new case for my iPhone, and my Grandparents always send money - which I used to buy the dress in my last post. Of course I got myself presents too, mainly my computer and a gym membership.

After we went swimming today I headed to my new gym and got everything set up. Then I ran for the first time in over a week. I've been so scared of getting dizzy that I just stopped trying. With some encouragement I was able to at least get on the treadmill... which of course is easier, so I ran harder and I am feeling it now! I tried out the elliptical and the stationary bike and hope to give the other machines a chance later on. This gym is open 24 hours (a rarity in our tiny community) and far from fancy, but it has the tools to get the job done. It's right on my way to and from work, so my plan is to utilize it on my way home on work days, and then use the road on the days I have off.

It's time to pack lunches and I am SO tired of the monotony of what I pack. Always leftovers, veggies, and salad. This week I am trying to break it up a little. Here is what I'm packing, keep in mind I eat all three daily meals at work...

Chili & Garlic Salmon with capri vegetables

Broccoli, sugar snap peas, and cheese.

Spinach and balsamic strawberry salad.
Mashed sweet potato

Blueberries
Banana

Lemon or Peach Greek Yogurt

Sun Tea

Hopefully the variety will keep me interested and out of the cafeteria, where I tend to make bad choices. Next week (or maybe the week after) I plan to use a meal plan from Happy Herbivore. It's plant based and gluten free which makes it easy to stick to the type of diet I tend to function best on. I will probably keep eating yogurt (I hate soy yogurt), honey, fish, and very occasionally meat or dairy. I bought a month subscription though, so I am going to try and stick to what I paid for.

Have a great weekend!

Tuesday Timeout - Week 1

Good afternoon! Today is my 29th birthday. Hopefully next year I will be able to say I am healthier, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I am starting a new weekly feature on my blog. It's fairly common on most weight-loss blogs to have a weigh-in day every week, but I found Ashleigh's way of doing it over at Passion for Life, Love, and Health to be the most inspiring... so in a sense I am copying her. Thanks for the idea!

Weigh-in: 312lbs 

It has fluctuated a LOT this week, I've seen as low as 305 and as high as 317. The issue is constipation (sorry, I promise not to talk about poop on the blog a lot!) due to my medication. After failing to fix things through diet, water intake, and working out, I have added some new things in to my daily regime and hope to see a difference next week.

Non Scale Victories:

Despite not seeing a true loss this week I have seen some body changes. I am down a pants size, and down a dress size as well. My ankles aren't as puffy, and I desperately need new pajama and scrub pants, they will not stay up.

New dress for my birthday, one size smaller than before.

Recap:

This week was a mixed bag. First week back at work was awful, I haven't felt well due to the medication... On the upside, the dizziness has finally gone away! I feel more normal mentally, like something in my brain is finally connected. My new computer is awesome (yay netflixs!) and I love being online again. I didn't work out as much as I wanted, but I did get a lot of things done in the house and the garden. Look at my first bowl of spinach from the garden!

Spinach I grew myself. Mmmm.

Week 2 Goals:

Track food every day.
Stick to meal plan.
Work out 3 times by Monday.
Drink only water, fresh juice, tea, or coffee. (Chocolate almond ok as a treat)
Stay sane. (I have a crazy work schedule next week, it's going to take everything in me to accomplish this.)

Sun tea brewing on back porch.

Payday

I bought a laptop today! It's older and used, but it's mine. Generally when I make big ticket purchases like this I end up over analyzing and regretting it for days. Hopefully that won't happen this time because I got it at an extremely good price and after going a year without a computer I'd say I've earned this small indulgence.

Having a computer and internet at home makes things so much easier. I'll be able to stay on top of one of my volunteer jobs better (when I go back at the end of the summer), blogging will be much easier, and I honestly think I will see a change in my weight loss. The tools I currently use on my phone are all available on the computer and are much easier to use that way!

Over the next few days I hope to go back and revise some of my older posts with bigger pictures. I've been toying with changing the name of the blog. My Mom said it doesn't make much sense and while the meaning is perfectly clear to me, I know it might seem strange to others. What do you think?

Woah!

Never let anyone tell you that nursing isn't a dangerous profession. My first night back was a whopper. Luckily I was working telemetry and not the floor, but I felt for my coworkers. We had some dangerous situations and it made for a long chaotic night.

Otherwise my night was ok. I had a lot of anxiety about going back to work, and by a lot I mean a semi-load. I actually considered calling in. Instead I threw myself in to prepping lunches for the week and getting ready.

The dogs started to bark (my landlord has 2) and I heard a man on my porch. Thinking it was my Step-Dad (not very many men know where I live) I tripped through the messy house and to the door. It was my Pastor.

Slightly mortified, I ushered him inside and apologized for the mess. I was still in my pajamas and kind of greasy from cooking. He watched as I continued to meal prep and we talked. I haven't been to church since Easter.

I started taking the anti-depressant that spiraled me out of control right after Easter and just haven't been able to face church. The fact that he showed up today was a God-send.

I told him the truth about what has been going on and we talked a bit about how sometimes when I feel like I should pull away I really should be stepping forward. Then he prayed for me and my first night back and left.

If you're curious, this is what I have packed for lunches this week. Since I work 12 hour shifts I tend to pack 3 'meals' and 2 snacks.

Meal 1: Taco Pasta
Meal 2: Salad
Meal 3: Baked tortilla chips & funky mango salsa
Snacks: Broccoli, watermelon

Since I didn't work out before work I am going to skate right in under my calories, maybe a little bit over. Generally I eat more my first night back since I am trying to stay awake.

It was fun to do my hair and makeup up. I played around a bit in front of the mirror and got a new picture for my FB page.

Haha. I am half tempted to use it just to be silly. Here is the real one.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Strawberry Lemonade Smoothie

Whenever I went out to dinner with my family growing up I would beg to get a strawberry lemonade. Generally they were more expensive and didn't come with refills, so I would order a cheaper meal and nurse the lemonade until it was time to leave. My family was very poor, so going out to eat was a rarity.

Now I generally don't eat out. There is only one restaurant in the area that has a gluten free menu and all the reviews I've read talk about cross contamination issues. Two other restaurants have been kind enough to accommodate me on occasion, but neither of them serve my fondly remembered lemonade.

So a few weeks ago I set out to recreate my memory in the blender, with healthier ingredients. My first try was naaaasty. This one is much better, and much more simple!

5 cups baby kale (or any greens)
1/2 cup water
1 cup frozen strawberries
1 frozen banana
1 container lemon soy yogurt
1/3 lemon - juiced
1 tablespoon local raw honey

I like to blend my greens and water, then add the rest of the ingredients and blend until smooth.

It clocks in at about 469 calories for the whole thing, which is the sweet spot for a late breakfast. I'm back to work tonight and quite nervous.

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Dizzy & New Armband

I was doing great until I hit 1 mile, I ran the entire downhill portion of the road and was having very little problem finishing my 30 seconds of running. Then the dizziness set in and I couldn't move without feeling like I was going to pitch forward. I paused my app and rested against the side rail of the bridge for five minutes.

Feeling a little better I took off at a walk... And fell flat on my face. To dizzy to be anything but desperate to go home I gave in and called my Mom. Then I very slowly made my way back to the railing.

I was a little over a mile from home and I couldn't even walk the rest of the way. Furious at myself doesn't even cover it. I was crying by the time my parents showed up and nearly fell getting in the van and could barely shut the door.

I'm home now and sitting down. Still dizzy. Still mad. Not crying. I have some theories about why I was fine Monday and awful today. Time will let me know if they are true.

In happy news I was able to switch myself over to night shift today. I stayed up until about 5:30am working on an armband to wear on my runs. I found the pattern at Cult of Crochet.

Mine came out a little different because I couldn't find my yarn needle, but it is actually quite comfortable and stays in place!



I would have bought one but I have rather large upper arms and didn't want to have to return something because it wasn't wide enough around.

This was the perfect solution because I was able to adapt the pockets to fit my iPhone (I have a boxy case) and make a second pocket big enough for my inhaler and id. If you're crafty and looking for an armband I highly suggest making your own!


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Odds and Ends

I found a Billy Blanks VHS at the thrift store a while back and picked it up. Memories of high school gym class came to mind when I saw it, since Tae Bo was one of the very few things I enjoyed in gym class.

What I didn't realize when I shelled out my $1 was this is an instructional video. Booo. After about 30 minutes I turned it off out of sheer frustration. It was a good stretch for my muscles and I may use it again if I'm sick or need something slow/low impact, but it's not the sweaty workout I was hoping for. Live and learn.

Today I saw my new Psychiatrist. We talked a little and then got down and dirty with my meds. It was reassuring to discuss what the long term plan is. Right now I am titrating one down and one up. Hopefully when all my blood work shows the proper levels I will be on just one out of the three new ones.

And I know I said it before, but if I keep on track it is very likely I will be off my blood pressure and insulin resistance meds here soon as well! This is my kind of news!
This blog is jumbled and about a bit if everything so this post will follow suit.

Today would be my Dad's 54th birthday. This past week has been a time to remember and celebrate his life. Saturday I went to the river and spent most of my time on the shore with a book. My Dad was NOT the outdoorsy type, he loved to read so it was fitting that I read instead of swam.

I did burn though. You can't see it as well in this picture, but redness on my chest is on both shoulders and halfway down my back. There is also some on my face but a lot of it has already turned to freckles. Uugh.

I wanted freckles growing up and never got them. Now I can't avoid them. There is a line of them across my upper lip that makes me look like I have a mustache. Enough with the complaining, all in all things are moving along well.

Here are some pics of the river Saturday.

My shoes started to float away.

And a bonus picture of whiskers!

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3 Miles Total

My new meds have some wonderful side effects. I am pretty much dizzy all the time. So I have been extremely wary of going out to run and haven't laced up my Brooks since May 16th.

I ran once in the hospital (kickbutt treadmill, need! I had to run in my Velcro sketchers though, I couldn't have anything with laces) and since I've been home I've stuck to walking. Yesterday I wanted to run and wish I would have. When the urge came today I HAD to go. Dizziness be damned.

I ate breakfast, took my meds, drank some water and headed out. IT WAS AMAZING! I took a a new route, one my landlord told me about, it's a little hilly and just around 2 miles. There was very little shoulder all in all only 4 cars drove by me.


The scenery was beautiful, I couldn't ask for a better place to live. Tomorrow I am going to the loop backwards, so I am going downhill at the beginning instead of uphill at the end and see if that makes a difference on my speed.


16 weeks until the Prefontaine 10k. It's closing in fast. I made up a training chart yesterday and started training again today.

When I first started running trying to run 30 seconds was impossible. I had built myself up to 1 minute 15 seconds but had to drop back down to 30 seconds today. It wasn't hard, but it wasn't easy either.

The app I am using for training gets you running a 10k in 13 weeks so I have a little wiggle room if I want to repeat a week. There is no wiggle room for missing time though! I HAVE to stay on track if I want to run the 10k instead of walk it.

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7 Years

I was in the shower worrying about life, wondering how things could be different... I felt a jaw-dropping wave of peace and warmth. I heard a voice telling me that everything would be alright, never give up, remember the sunshine.

A while after getting out of the shower the phone rang downstairs. I knew. I told my Grandma I didn't want to take the phone call. She told me I had to come to the phone.

I walked down the stairs and took the phone, the kitchen was dirty and the back door was open to the Missouri sunshine. The phone felt greasy, holding it was hard. It was Mom. "I am so sorry baby, I wish I didn't have to tell you this on the phone... Dad died."

The fridge door was suddenly holding me up. Grandma Momo reaches for me, her parents have been gone longer than I've been alive, she understood.

She bought me a plane ticket home as I packed. We sat in the backyard and talked, and didn't talk... Waiting for it to be time to go.

My Grandpa had died 6 months before, we had celebrated his life recently. Momo told me to be strong for Mom. Don't cry, don't make it any worse for your Mom.

It took 3 planes and all day to get in to Seattle. The airline was very sweet and gave me priority boarding so I could find a quiet place to sit. While boarding my first flight I stopped at the gap between the plane and the walk way.

It was raining. May 31st in Missouri. Rain has meant something more to me since. I got off the plane in Seattle and hugged my sister Becky until my arms were tired. Mom was next, then Nicole (foster sister), and then I noticed my Mom's best friend Rebecca. I remember being grateful she was there because it meant none of us had to drive.

We started the 3 hour drive home while they filled me in on what happened. It was sudden. Unexpected. When we got home I laid down on his side of my parents bed, face buried in his pillow and cried.

I broke my promise not to cry. Sometimes you just HAVE to cry.

It's hard to believe its been 7 years. Becky was days away from being 19, I was two weeks from 22. Nicole is in between the two of us. We were kids.

Becky is married and has 2 babies, and Nicole is married with 3. I am divorced with cats. ;)

My parents had a tendency to adopt our friends. I think it was something to do with Dad being a Pastor and Mom being a nurse. Their mission in life was to help people.

One of our friends posted on Facebook today about missing Papa Phil and the impact he had on her life. She is a strong, beautiful woman and the fact that my Dad had something to do with that means so much.

People try to tell you that grief gets easier with time... I'm not sure that its easier.... But rather that it becomes a part of who you are and you learn to accept it.



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Progress

A week ago today I was out of my mind. A week ago tomorrow morning I was sitting next to my Mom at the doctors office, being told I had 30 minutes to check myself in to the hospital, if I didn't show up they would call the police. Admitting that I was dangerous to myself was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was one of the best things too.


I've taken my meds every day since I've been home. There are a few new ones and I'm struggling with the dizziness that comes with them, but hopefully those will go away with time.


I've spent some time in the garden. Tomorrow or the next day I should go out and weed. Housework is getting done. It's not perfect, and its definitely not company ready, but it's ok and not driving me nuts.


I was home in time to celebrate my 1 year anniversary with Olivia. Yeahp, call me the crazy cat lady! Oli came home on May 26th (her birthday is April 4th - same as Grumpy Cat) and I was happy to be home in time for that. She got some fresh catnip and tuna (which she completely ignored and let Cordi eat)...

Both girls have been very loving, which makes me feel like things are working. Before everything happened they weren't cuddly anymore, Cordi would hide from me, and I yelled at them all the time. We are back to 'normal' here. I get lots of love and kisses and no one runs away when I try to pick them up. Small victories.

My diet has been ok. Today is a cheat day, and it was worth every bite! I haven't run since Thursday, so I am going to go back out tomorrow and slay a couple of miles. On the treadmill at the hospital I really enjoyed pushing myself, I'm kind of dreading going back to being slow on the road.

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Resting in Christ

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

The three days I spent in the hospital were a God send. The new anti-depressant I started several weeks ago threw me for a loop. The harder I tried to hold on the deeper I fell. As much as I pretended to have it all together, that I had hope, that things were getting better....

I wasn't safe to be alone. My parents were at their wits end trying to help, and when I went to the doctor on Wednesday I wasn't able to hide behind smiles...

So in to the hospital I went. You see all the commercials for anti-depressants and it talks about how it can increase certain feelings in children and teenagers.... Well, if you're bipolar it can do the same thing!

Yeah, so I am bipolar. Found that out while at the hospital. I spent a lot of time with doctors, nurses, and mental health professionals who all came to the same conclusion. Especially considering my diagnosis of ADHD as a child.

Turns out that a lot of people my age who were diagnosed with ADHD as kids were really early on-set bipolar. The periods of hyperactivity were maniac periods... And since I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember.... The result was logical.

This makes sense since behavior therapy and sticking to a schedule was always more effective for me than the ADHD meds. I actually spent 12 days in the hospital when I was 11 for almost exactly the same reasons I did this past week.

An inventory of my adult years led to a stunning conclusion... Every time I hit a maniac period in the past I've moved, quit my job, started school, ended/started relationships, invested in a new hobby... Another words I always ran away and lost myself in something so I didn't have to address what was going on in my head.

This time I had no way to run. I can't quit my job, I'm not ready to go to school, and the idea of a new hobby when I have so many already was overwhelming. I was sleeping for days at a time. Or staying up for 48 hours straight. It took hours to fall asleep, and I'd spend hours cleaning and then the next week the dishes would sit in the sink until the house stunk.

It was everything or nothing. I'd find the middle of the road for a little bit and revel in it. This pattern has been going on for most of my life but the past 6 weeks or so have been hellacious.

The anti-depressant intensified everything and I finally crashed. At first I was strung out about inpatient treatment. The staff at the hospital was amazing! Every day I was reassured about my confidentiality, I was able to skip the typical admitting process and was actually hidden on the patient census. The people who took care of me are people I have worked with and at first that terrified me.

It shouldn't have. God went above and beyond. His timing is perfect. I was treated like a normal person who needed help. I didn't get special treatment (still had to hand over my phone and anything dangerous to myself or others) from the staff who knew me, but they did talk to me like a colleague when they could.

It was nice because they know what sort of stress I am under at work and we addressed some of the best ways to handle that stress. I learned lots of different coping strategies and ways to identify triggers and when I am starting to swerve out of the lines.

I'm off the anti-depressant and on mood stabilizers. I took some heavy duty sleep aides for a few days too, but am off the benzodiazepines now. Hopefully I will be able to go off 2 out of my 3 mood stabilizers in the future. One of the good things that came out of inpatient treatment was a being able to take a closer look at my other medications.

It looks like I might be able to go off my blood pressure medication and metformin soon, if the mood stabilizers don't cause anything to act up. Yay!

Back to resting in Christ... I am weak. Unbearably, hopelessly, desperately weak. There is a chance someone from work may find out about me being bipolar. That bothers me a little bit, but I am placing my trust in Him, because that is the only way I am strong.


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Hello

I spent Wednesday through Saturday in the hospital. Today is my first full day out and I've been taking it slow, trying to catch up life and rest.

Hopefully I will be back to posting soon.


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Curtains Teach Me A Lesson

My stomach bug from Saturday was back full force today, I made it to the grocery store for fresh produce and haven't left the house since. Instead of working out I set out to remedy the curtain situation. There were simple short khaki curtains up when I moved in, but the cats tore them down in a matter of weeks.


(You can see this window -an the original curtains- in the top middle, and bottom left pictures. )

I planned to frost this window and leave it otherwise bare (it looks directly in to part of the garden, which is likely to have someone in it when I need privacy), but I found some great fabric at a local estate sale that screamed curtains to me.

Last night I stitched it up and hung it. BLAH.


Totally keeping it real with the cat and laundry.

It felt boring and sort of 're-purposed bedsheet' to me so I went digging in my box from the estate sale and pulled out some yellow fabric. Originally I bought this fabric to make scrub pants for Mom and myself, but it turned out to be subtly tied dyed. No go for scrubs. Mom suggested making curtains out of it, turns out she had a dang good idea.

I took down the curtains, re-stitched the top (to make the rod pocket wider) and then made two more panels from the yellow fabric.


Still on the fence about how it looks, but it is definitely better than last night. 100% of my furniture is 2nd hand, most of it was given to me by family or friends, is on loan from my landlord, or was purchased at the thrift store. Most of my decor is 2nd hand as well, a lot of it I inherited when my Dad died, and the rest is from garage sales or discount stores.

I'm slowly starting to piece together a decor all of my own. This is a MUCH better way to exert control over my life than through food. Which is why I am posting about it here.

It's important for me to learn what is an appropriate way to relieve stress and what is not. It's also a good lesson in instant gratification and patience. These curtains are ok for now. I may not be 100% in love with them, but it is a vast improvement over what it was before, and instead of obsessing over it, I am going to embrace the 'for now' and enjoy it until the cats shred to pieces. ; )

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Sucktackular

So far the title aptly describes the beginning of my days off. Saturday I had to call in sick and ending up spending an entire 24 hours in bed, wracked with nightmares and stomach problems. An upside to this is that a good long rest left my legs feeling great! My ankle is definitely on the mend, and my pirformis hardly feels sore.

Sunday afternoon I was able to drag myself out of bed and had a rather tearful phone call with my Mom. I felt better mentally and had a restlessness that needed to be quenched without leaving the house (in case my stomach got angry again), so I decided to conquer a few projects I've been putting off.

I made some quick curtains and hung them. Which made me realize that I needed to rearrange the house. It took several hours of pushing, pulling, and growling with frustration... But I love the layout now. My house is minuscule, so I am on a never ending quest to make the most of it.

While rearranging I ended up with the contents of a bookcase and a closet all over the floor. Honestly I have yet to pick most of it up. I'm tired and want to go to bed, but I can't stand the idea of leaving the house such a mess. So I'm blogging instead of doing anything productive!

As soon as I get some sleep (and finish cleaning) I'm heading out for my 10k walk. Which means I better get moving.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone