Resting in Christ

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

The three days I spent in the hospital were a God send. The new anti-depressant I started several weeks ago threw me for a loop. The harder I tried to hold on the deeper I fell. As much as I pretended to have it all together, that I had hope, that things were getting better....

I wasn't safe to be alone. My parents were at their wits end trying to help, and when I went to the doctor on Wednesday I wasn't able to hide behind smiles...

So in to the hospital I went. You see all the commercials for anti-depressants and it talks about how it can increase certain feelings in children and teenagers.... Well, if you're bipolar it can do the same thing!

Yeah, so I am bipolar. Found that out while at the hospital. I spent a lot of time with doctors, nurses, and mental health professionals who all came to the same conclusion. Especially considering my diagnosis of ADHD as a child.

Turns out that a lot of people my age who were diagnosed with ADHD as kids were really early on-set bipolar. The periods of hyperactivity were maniac periods... And since I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember.... The result was logical.

This makes sense since behavior therapy and sticking to a schedule was always more effective for me than the ADHD meds. I actually spent 12 days in the hospital when I was 11 for almost exactly the same reasons I did this past week.

An inventory of my adult years led to a stunning conclusion... Every time I hit a maniac period in the past I've moved, quit my job, started school, ended/started relationships, invested in a new hobby... Another words I always ran away and lost myself in something so I didn't have to address what was going on in my head.

This time I had no way to run. I can't quit my job, I'm not ready to go to school, and the idea of a new hobby when I have so many already was overwhelming. I was sleeping for days at a time. Or staying up for 48 hours straight. It took hours to fall asleep, and I'd spend hours cleaning and then the next week the dishes would sit in the sink until the house stunk.

It was everything or nothing. I'd find the middle of the road for a little bit and revel in it. This pattern has been going on for most of my life but the past 6 weeks or so have been hellacious.

The anti-depressant intensified everything and I finally crashed. At first I was strung out about inpatient treatment. The staff at the hospital was amazing! Every day I was reassured about my confidentiality, I was able to skip the typical admitting process and was actually hidden on the patient census. The people who took care of me are people I have worked with and at first that terrified me.

It shouldn't have. God went above and beyond. His timing is perfect. I was treated like a normal person who needed help. I didn't get special treatment (still had to hand over my phone and anything dangerous to myself or others) from the staff who knew me, but they did talk to me like a colleague when they could.

It was nice because they know what sort of stress I am under at work and we addressed some of the best ways to handle that stress. I learned lots of different coping strategies and ways to identify triggers and when I am starting to swerve out of the lines.

I'm off the anti-depressant and on mood stabilizers. I took some heavy duty sleep aides for a few days too, but am off the benzodiazepines now. Hopefully I will be able to go off 2 out of my 3 mood stabilizers in the future. One of the good things that came out of inpatient treatment was a being able to take a closer look at my other medications.

It looks like I might be able to go off my blood pressure medication and metformin soon, if the mood stabilizers don't cause anything to act up. Yay!

Back to resting in Christ... I am weak. Unbearably, hopelessly, desperately weak. There is a chance someone from work may find out about me being bipolar. That bothers me a little bit, but I am placing my trust in Him, because that is the only way I am strong.


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Confessions

I opened up to friends today about how bad things have been mentally in the past few months. While getting that off my chest was refreshing, it left me feeling a lot more vulnerable. It's hard to find balance on how much is too much when it comes to being completely honest. Thank God I have some amazing friends, and a wonderful family! Even though I felt bare afterwards, it was nice to clue these women who mean so much to me in to what is going on.

My life right now is different than I imagined. I drive a decent car, live in a pretty (albeit small) house, and manage to keep my bills paid and generally have a smidgen left over for a movie or a book every few paydays. I don't need much, and generally don't find myself lusting for material things. I have a support system that many people dream of, and I am on my way to a healthier me.

And I still find myself spiraling down deeper in to depression. Which makes me feel guilty. And then comes more depression. It's a vicious cycle. Occasionally I break free, but never for very long. Sometimes I spiral up, so far up that I lose control and find myself slamming back so hard that it undoes everything I've previously achieved.

How do you tell people that even though you're happy, you are depressed? I feel like such a whiner when I say that. When someone asks me how I am I smile and say it's OK. It reminds me of when my Dad died, and very few people really wanted to hear "it sucks, I cry all the time and when I do manage to smile, it hurts"... I know from experience that grief gets better. That gives me that depression will too.

Dad has been gone 7 years at the end of this month. How vastly I've changed in those 7 years. I'm a grown up now. I know he would be is proud of everything I've accomplished and the woman I am. I do not miss him less now, but I don't wallow in grief either. His absence has simply become a part of who I am. Some days I wonder if I'd be who I am now if he hadn't of died. Scratch that, I KNOW I would be different. Part of my success is fueled by a pledge to honor his memory and live a full life.

When I was little my Dad lost a lot of weight by running. He went on to join the Navy, and then left to become a pastor. The pounds came back and by the time I was a teenager he was morbidly obese. When he learned he was a Type 2 diabetic everything changed. He started eating right, walking, and doing his best to honor the body God gave him to take care of. (My Dad fought a lifelong battle with depression as well, he was someone I could always talk to because he got it.)

When I lace up my running shoes I am promising to do everything in my power to live long enough to meet my grandchildren. 4 years now a miniature version of my Dad has been roaming the earth, changing my families life forever. Sometimes I look at my nephew and stare, because it is like looking at my Dad. I dream about what it would be like to see them side by side, laughing and playing with each.

I want to be there when my (someday) kids have kids. So I am going to conquer the darkness and run in the light. It's funny how much peace training for this 10k has brought in to my life. Just 6 weeks of getting out and doing my best has given me a new reason to go on. The depression is still there. Some days it is still crippling. It won't always be.

Tonight I had a too few many cookies and treats at a potluck. At first I couldn't understand why I kept eating! Then I sat down and started to write and realized I was pushing food in to my mouth to give my brain something else to think about. Processing it and moving on is a much better solution.

So I am going to go home after work, sleep, and go out and get a few miles in before getting ready for another long night. And then it's the weekend! Hallefreakinglujah. My goal for this weekend is to go for a 6.2 mile walk. No running or jogging allowed, I just want to get out and walk a 10k. I will let you know how it goes.

Swimming, again! And more...

As soon as the sunshine hits I spend as much time as possible in the water. For Mother's Day I went to my parents house, we had a small lunch and were trying to decide what movie to watch when the sun broke through the clouds. The forecast had called for mid 60s and rain, but we ended up in the 70s with sunshine so we loaded my car with a picnic and blankets and headed off for the river.

I absconded with my Step-Dad's hat.

My Step-dad drove the motorcycle (which means I got to steal his hat) so it was just Mom and I on the 40 minute drive. We had lots of time to talk and spent a lot of it talking about my Dad, who has been gone for 7 years at the end of the month.

The motorcycle and my car hanging out.

Each time we go I get in a little faster. The water is still on the cool side right now (and honestly, it never gets truly warm in this part of Oregon) so it takes a few minutes to get numb. As soon as the water hit my waist I just sat down and soaked myself head to toe.

The River.

We swam, ate, relaxed on the blankets, read, collected rocks for my project, and enjoyed having the water to ourselves. After a few hours we headed home. I had to pull over about a third of the way and let Mom drive.


Scenery

 The roads are incredibly windy and not in the best shape, and this was actually my first time driving them in the years we've been going. I was tired (had been up since 8pm the night before) and just couldn't focus on the road anymore. Luckily my Mom loves to drive my car.

Mom and me.

Once we got back to their house we stretched out to watch a movie and I slept through the whole thing. All in all I think I slept 5 hours on their couch. It's a good thing I spoiled Mom with flowers, a plant, cookies, an beautiful card. Hopefully that made up for my snoring.

Monday I had a doctors appointment and errands to run, so I headed in to town early. I found some great produce sales, so I will definitely be juicing this week! Seed wise I bought habanero, jalapeño, mixed hot peppers, mixed mesclun, Swiss chard, spinach, and collard greens.

My doctors appointment went well. We are going to give my new med 3 more months and reevaluate. So I don't have to go back for 3 months! Between my asthma and depression I have been at the doctors office nearly every 6 weeks this year.

My weight was down 3lbs from my last visit, but still up from my lowest weight this year. My doctor is actually a PA and she just happens to be a personal trainer and coach too... So she showed me a few stretches to do before and after running and provided lots of encouragement.

I came home and planted my seeds, then set to cleaning house and getting ready for the work week. For tomorrow I have scrambled Mexican eggs & potatoes, half a blueberry oatmeal smoothie, sliced veggies and fruit, and a salad.

I started using My Fitness Pal to track calories and activity this weekend and hope it helps keep me accountable!

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Lesson of the day: Don't give up!

I hit 3.1 miles today for the first time. It took 56:49 but I did it!

Today's run was a bit of a mishap. I set out to the river earlier in the day and spent two hours enjoying the cool water. A good part of that time I spent swimming/walking against the current in an effort to reach the shallows so I could collect rocks for a project. My legs were tired by the time we got back to the van!

Powers

Bill jumping off the diving board

Even though my ankle was still sore I decided to go for a run while my Mom cooked dinner. I got dressed and told her if I wasn't back in 45 minutes or so to call me. I've driven the area around my parents house countless times, but wasn't quite sure which way to go when running.

My initial plan was to do an out and back down the road I was most familiar with, but my Step-Dad suggested doing a loop around, promising it was just over 3 miles. Mom said it was probably longer, but I really liked the idea of not doing an out and back so I took off the direction Bill suggested.

Almost instantly I was ready to quit. My legs were heavy and tired from swimming, and my stomach hurt. Instead of turning around I kept going. The road was a nice change because it had some subtle hills and sharp curves, but there was barely any shoulder. I had to hold my breath while big trucks came barreling at me.

My parents live in an incredibly rural area (population 120 - and I think that includes domestic animals ;), and I'd say a vast majority of those people are farmers of some sort. Some keep organic dairy cows, others have horse ranches, a few pig farmers, a couple large scale gardeners, and chickens everywhere!

View while running.

These drivers aren't used to slowing down for runners on the road. I know how I drive these roads... I doubt I will run it again! The entire way I was beating myself up because I couldn't keep pace with my training app. The walk periods felt short, and almost every time I glanced at my phone it said I still had 15-40 seconds left to run. It was agonizing!
At one point I was pretty sure I was lost and tried to call my Mom but the phone was busy. Finally I just kept going, trying to run as much as I could, still really disappointed in what I thought was my inability to do a full minute.

View while running.

Once I hit 3.1 minutes I realized I still had a good mile to the house. Defeated and angry I tried to channel that negative energy in to something positive. Even though my training for the day was done I'd run as far as I could as fast as I could, walk, catch my breath, and go again.
When my Mom drove up next to me at 3.42 miles I was overjoyed! I turned off Nike + and climbed in the passenger seat. I'd been gone for an hour, so she'd come to make sure I was ok. I have the best parents! I'd been thinking about calling for a ride from the moment I hit 3.1, but didn't want to give up.

View while running.

I started fiddling with my phone to post my run to Facebook and realized I had set my training to the wrong day. Instead of running 1 minute, walking 4 minutes, running 1 minute... I was running 1.30, walking 3.30, and repeating. No wonder I could never make it as far as my phone said to go!
Between the new road, tired legs/sore ankle, and wrong training day I still feel like I did pretty well today. Once back at my parents I collapsed on to the floor and stretched. Then I enjoyed dinner. 1 rib, a serving of cottage cheese, and baked beans. Mom had cooked me two ribs, but I could barely finish the first.

The best thing about running so far has been its affect on my appetite. It's shrinking!

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Gone Swimming

My whole post from yesterday seems to have disappeared. Now I get to tell my story all over again.

Yesterday morning I dropped by the store for shrimp, green onions, and Red Box movies on my way home from work. I walked out with those things and cereal. Why? I ate the whole box of Fruity Pebbles. Although I have several trigger foods, cereal is the easiest one to avoid since most are not gluten free. Seeing the big 'Gluten Free' sign on the box made it impossible to resist though.

Feeling like a loser, I got myself busy, as if doing chores could erase my failure. I cleaned the litter box, then washed the back/side of the house and my back porch. One of the windows the sunroom wasn't quite closed and my bed got a little wet.

So I pulled out the sleep sofa and crashed on it. After 3 hours sleep I woke up and headed to the river with my parents. At first I almost didn't go. My stomach hurt, I was tired, and I was still furious with myself. On the way there I confessed about the cereal to my Mom, who is basically my accountability partner about the early morning binge.
Little did I know that she'd picked out the swimming hole you have to hike to. I may not have burned off the entire box, but I certainly felt better after hiking down, swimming for a few hours, and hiking back up.

The hike down.

Me at 313lbs.

The swimming hole.

My Mom.

The swimming hole.

My step-dad, Bill.. and Buddy.

Another picture of the swimming hole.

By the time we got home I was pretty set on skipping my planned run for the day, but instead I threw on my clothes and headed back outside. I started out strong and was actually pushing my running interval to almost a minute when my phone rang. I slowed to a walk and talked to my Mom, who had left her glasses in my bag.
We arranged for her to pick them up tomorrow and I picked up the pace. The phone rang again. It was Mom letting my know that my step-dad was on his way to get the glasses. Since I was almost halfway I just kept going and figured he'd have to wait for me to get home.

Not 2 minutes later a motorcycle pulled up in front of me. It was my step-dad. I told him where the glasses were, gave him my key, and he sped off to go get them.

Finally halfway I turned around and tried to make up time. If you use the Nike + app you know you can use power songs, so I turned on of those on. Once it was over my music didn't come back on so I slowed to a walk and started playing on my phone trying to get the music going again.

My left foot hit and rock and down I went on to my right side. It scared me more then anything at the time, and honestly I was really embarrassed because I run on the highway and there were plenty of cats going by... Typical fat girl can't even walk. Beating myself up I sprung back up and considered calling Mom for a ride home.

That would mean waiting on the highway though, so I just kept going. My ankle hurt, but not enough to make me walk the rest of my runs. I made it home in great time. Actually had the best pace and distance yet.

Nike + stats.

Once home I forwent my plans of making fried rice and had eggs, potatoes, and fruit instead. Dinner tasted delicious! Sometimes simple is perfect. I got my ankle elevated and iced and quickly fell asleep.
I skipped church this morning since it was still sore, and have been hobbling around trying to get chores done so I can spend the day at the river again tomorrow.

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Instagram & Tea

I've hopped on to the Instagram bandwagon! My boyfriend got me the iPhone 4 for Valentine's Day and one of the first apps I downloaded was Instagram. It's fair to say my addiction has only grown. 

Since I have suffered from two bouts with illness this year (one gastrointestinal, one upper respiratory) my new goal is to strive towards better nutrition. No more colds! In an effort to get over my current cold, I made a big pot of get better tea. My Mom used to make this tea any time anyone got sick growing up. She'd always start make it in the same pot... it was some sort of pressure cooker my paternal great-grandmother gave to my parents after they married and moved in together.

Drawing

Resolutions

Winter has hit the Pacific Northwest; the way my car swayed crossing the bridge coming home from work last night wouldn't let me forget that. I listened to the sound of rain pounding down on the roof of the motor-home running from one end to the other duct-taping washcloths to the ceiling in hopes of keeping the water off my floor. The weather took a turn on Christmas day, and hasn't let up since. There is a say about Oregon; Oregon has three seasons, rain, rain, rain, and road construction. Right now, it feels very true. It’s part of why I love this part of the country though.

Call me crazy, but I have a bond with the rain. It feels like communication from my Father, the heavenly one, and the one who is gone. The day my Dad passed away was beautiful and sunny in Missouri, until the moment I boarded the plan to go home to be with my Mom and sisters. As I passed through the "walk way" and onto the plane, I noticed the rain falling in the small gap between the two. I reached out to touch it; the feeling of wet on my fingers is something I have yet to forget.

For me, it was like his way of saying goodbye. On the day I decided to marry my husband (now ex) and move back to the Northwest from Kentucky, it rained. When I broke up with my husband, it rained. The day I moved in to my very first apartment, all by myself, it rained. The day my Mom and Step-dad offered me the motor-home as an alternative to living in a hotel, it rained. There are many other moments like these. Coincidence, maybe. In fact, as often as it rains here it would be almost impossible NOT to make some sort of life altering choice on a rainy day at least once in a while.

Still, the rain is special to me. I tried not to resent it last night as I found wet spots by the vents and ceiling lights. It's all fixable, and truly a matter of perspective. My original intention was to post about New Year's Resolutions, obviously I've strayed far.

Heavy on my mind lately has been something deeply personal, and the little drips from the ceiling were like an affirmation of how I decided to deal with these feelings. I am going to make this affirmation part of my New Year's Resolutions. I have only four this year, and like Sarah of Clover Lane, they are one word each. Hopefully I won't forget what they mean halfway through the year. I jotted them down in next year’s planner tonight, and hope to come back to this blog next year and celebrate achieving at least a few of them.

Happy Anniversary

A month ago this morning I woke up after spending my first night in the motor-home. Insignificant it may be, in the grand scheme of things. Right now though, it feels huge. Many things have changed since that first night. A lot has stayed the same. Problems have been conquered, only for new ones to arise. 

It's crazy, that so few days have passed. It feels like an eternity. The week proceeding moving in, I was staying in a hotel. Before that, I was sharing a home with my sister, her husband, and their two children. We had been living together on and off for going on 3 years, and it has been strange adjusting to all this... aloneness. 

Is aloneness a word? Spellchecker is throwing a fit, but I refuse to change it. Some nights this life is very lonely. Achingly so, when you're used to having tiny children and other adults around ALL the time. Bubbly's presence makes those moments much easier to handle. They are few and far in between, thankfully. I have always been a loner, happy with my books, computer, and self. I feel like ME. Or the me I used to be.

In many ways I didn't just move into a home, but I -came- home. It may only make sense to me, but that's why I am writing here. Chronicling the moments of sadness, the victories, the questions, the progress. I hope to look back a year from now, and shake my head in wonder... where did all the time go?

For now, I can't believe it's only been a month. It feels like forever. Last night I peeled wallpaper off the kitchen walls. My first step towards renovation. One that will require more work than I realized. There is two more layers of paper beneath the one I removed yesterday.

Here I go, off to slay the dragon I call home.

Loves

I introduced you to Bubbly the other day, and wanted to share the other great loves of my life with you as well.

Liam and Kiwi Girl are my youngest sisters children, and they both have wiggled into a very special place in my heart. I am blessed with a total of 2 nephews and 3 nieces, all under the age of 3! Liam and Kiwi Girl are the closest of them all though, and therefor I spend the most time with them. In fact, as I write this Liam is curled up on my fold out snoring away.

Here are a few shots of them from Thanksgiving 2011. Neither were very cooperative, and my camera isn't the greatest... but I love them all the same.