Sunshine

The sun is beating down on the Southwest region of the United States, something you may already know if you watch/read the news. What you won't hear a lot about is the heat we are experiencing in the Pacific Northwest, which is accompanied by an unusual 100% humidity. The normal summer temperature here is 72 to 73 degrees (62-65 in town) with low humidity. Today town hit 81 and where I live hit 92. Throw in a high pollen level and having to sleep in a sun-room during the day...

I haven't been sleeping. Not sleeping, pollen, and humidity all trigger my asthma. Struggling to breath makes me tired. I skip working out when I'm tired. When I don't work out I stress out about not working out. There is enough going on in my life that I don't need to stress about anything else right now!

Work has been busy, I worked 95 hours in two weeks, and was scheduled to work 107. When I got off this morning I begged a coworker to take my shift tonight and went to my Mom's to sleep. She doesn't live far from me so it was already 90 degrees when I got there, but she has more fans and not as many windows (I have south, east, and north facing windows - it's more a steam room than a sun-room at the moment)... so I crawled in to bed and actually got 8 solid hours of sleep today.

Then I got up and worked out. I ran 1 mile and walked 1 mile. It felt great to be working out for the first time in NINE days. Sleeping, working out, and not working are making me feel better already. My asthma is still touchy, but hopefully I will be able to sleep at night until this heat wave passes.

Crazy Choices!

The 10 days have not been all that great. Between the crazy work schedule, a change in my meds, payday, and some unneeded drama I am whooped. There ups and downs with my eating, some days were better than others. My sleep suffered so much that one day I crashed in town on friends couch instead of brave the 45 minute drive home.

I have decided to move. The cottage I live in now is serene, and when I first moved in the distance from town was perfect. It kept me from using shopping as therapy and helped me realize how important downtime is after work. I also became much more comfortable behind the wheel, and learned to drive while tired. 

Unforgettably there are times I am simply too tired. 45 minutes each way and 12 hour shifts eat in to the time I have to sleep while home. Another reason I've decided to move is school. It's time to go back, and I can't afford the gas to drive both to work and college. After writing out a pros and cons list I decided it was time to go. Hopefully I will find out Wednesday if the place I looked at in town is mine!

As much as I will miss the cheap rent, gorgeous yard, and quiet community I am looking forward to being less than 2 miles from my work, doctor, psychiatrist, a gym, the store, college, and my friends. Even though the rent will be more expensive, I will still be saving money on gas and laundry, since there are washer/dryer hook-ups. I'll have to get some furniture, since the cottage came partially furnished, a dining table or desk, an end table and coffee table, rugs, oh... and a washer and a dryer.

School, moving... It's been a crazy week in my head and instead of running it out I indulged in food. Tuesday's weigh-in isn't going to be pretty. I am slowly getting myself back on track and hope to handle the upcoming changes in a healthier way.

Dizzy & New Armband

I was doing great until I hit 1 mile, I ran the entire downhill portion of the road and was having very little problem finishing my 30 seconds of running. Then the dizziness set in and I couldn't move without feeling like I was going to pitch forward. I paused my app and rested against the side rail of the bridge for five minutes.

Feeling a little better I took off at a walk... And fell flat on my face. To dizzy to be anything but desperate to go home I gave in and called my Mom. Then I very slowly made my way back to the railing.

I was a little over a mile from home and I couldn't even walk the rest of the way. Furious at myself doesn't even cover it. I was crying by the time my parents showed up and nearly fell getting in the van and could barely shut the door.

I'm home now and sitting down. Still dizzy. Still mad. Not crying. I have some theories about why I was fine Monday and awful today. Time will let me know if they are true.

In happy news I was able to switch myself over to night shift today. I stayed up until about 5:30am working on an armband to wear on my runs. I found the pattern at Cult of Crochet.

Mine came out a little different because I couldn't find my yarn needle, but it is actually quite comfortable and stays in place!



I would have bought one but I have rather large upper arms and didn't want to have to return something because it wasn't wide enough around.

This was the perfect solution because I was able to adapt the pockets to fit my iPhone (I have a boxy case) and make a second pocket big enough for my inhaler and id. If you're crafty and looking for an armband I highly suggest making your own!


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

3 Miles Total

My new meds have some wonderful side effects. I am pretty much dizzy all the time. So I have been extremely wary of going out to run and haven't laced up my Brooks since May 16th.

I ran once in the hospital (kickbutt treadmill, need! I had to run in my Velcro sketchers though, I couldn't have anything with laces) and since I've been home I've stuck to walking. Yesterday I wanted to run and wish I would have. When the urge came today I HAD to go. Dizziness be damned.

I ate breakfast, took my meds, drank some water and headed out. IT WAS AMAZING! I took a a new route, one my landlord told me about, it's a little hilly and just around 2 miles. There was very little shoulder all in all only 4 cars drove by me.


The scenery was beautiful, I couldn't ask for a better place to live. Tomorrow I am going to the loop backwards, so I am going downhill at the beginning instead of uphill at the end and see if that makes a difference on my speed.


16 weeks until the Prefontaine 10k. It's closing in fast. I made up a training chart yesterday and started training again today.

When I first started running trying to run 30 seconds was impossible. I had built myself up to 1 minute 15 seconds but had to drop back down to 30 seconds today. It wasn't hard, but it wasn't easy either.

The app I am using for training gets you running a 10k in 13 weeks so I have a little wiggle room if I want to repeat a week. There is no wiggle room for missing time though! I HAVE to stay on track if I want to run the 10k instead of walk it.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Sucktackular

So far the title aptly describes the beginning of my days off. Saturday I had to call in sick and ending up spending an entire 24 hours in bed, wracked with nightmares and stomach problems. An upside to this is that a good long rest left my legs feeling great! My ankle is definitely on the mend, and my pirformis hardly feels sore.

Sunday afternoon I was able to drag myself out of bed and had a rather tearful phone call with my Mom. I felt better mentally and had a restlessness that needed to be quenched without leaving the house (in case my stomach got angry again), so I decided to conquer a few projects I've been putting off.

I made some quick curtains and hung them. Which made me realize that I needed to rearrange the house. It took several hours of pushing, pulling, and growling with frustration... But I love the layout now. My house is minuscule, so I am on a never ending quest to make the most of it.

While rearranging I ended up with the contents of a bookcase and a closet all over the floor. Honestly I have yet to pick most of it up. I'm tired and want to go to bed, but I can't stand the idea of leaving the house such a mess. So I'm blogging instead of doing anything productive!

As soon as I get some sleep (and finish cleaning) I'm heading out for my 10k walk. Which means I better get moving.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Confessions

I opened up to friends today about how bad things have been mentally in the past few months. While getting that off my chest was refreshing, it left me feeling a lot more vulnerable. It's hard to find balance on how much is too much when it comes to being completely honest. Thank God I have some amazing friends, and a wonderful family! Even though I felt bare afterwards, it was nice to clue these women who mean so much to me in to what is going on.

My life right now is different than I imagined. I drive a decent car, live in a pretty (albeit small) house, and manage to keep my bills paid and generally have a smidgen left over for a movie or a book every few paydays. I don't need much, and generally don't find myself lusting for material things. I have a support system that many people dream of, and I am on my way to a healthier me.

And I still find myself spiraling down deeper in to depression. Which makes me feel guilty. And then comes more depression. It's a vicious cycle. Occasionally I break free, but never for very long. Sometimes I spiral up, so far up that I lose control and find myself slamming back so hard that it undoes everything I've previously achieved.

How do you tell people that even though you're happy, you are depressed? I feel like such a whiner when I say that. When someone asks me how I am I smile and say it's OK. It reminds me of when my Dad died, and very few people really wanted to hear "it sucks, I cry all the time and when I do manage to smile, it hurts"... I know from experience that grief gets better. That gives me that depression will too.

Dad has been gone 7 years at the end of this month. How vastly I've changed in those 7 years. I'm a grown up now. I know he would be is proud of everything I've accomplished and the woman I am. I do not miss him less now, but I don't wallow in grief either. His absence has simply become a part of who I am. Some days I wonder if I'd be who I am now if he hadn't of died. Scratch that, I KNOW I would be different. Part of my success is fueled by a pledge to honor his memory and live a full life.

When I was little my Dad lost a lot of weight by running. He went on to join the Navy, and then left to become a pastor. The pounds came back and by the time I was a teenager he was morbidly obese. When he learned he was a Type 2 diabetic everything changed. He started eating right, walking, and doing his best to honor the body God gave him to take care of. (My Dad fought a lifelong battle with depression as well, he was someone I could always talk to because he got it.)

When I lace up my running shoes I am promising to do everything in my power to live long enough to meet my grandchildren. 4 years now a miniature version of my Dad has been roaming the earth, changing my families life forever. Sometimes I look at my nephew and stare, because it is like looking at my Dad. I dream about what it would be like to see them side by side, laughing and playing with each.

I want to be there when my (someday) kids have kids. So I am going to conquer the darkness and run in the light. It's funny how much peace training for this 10k has brought in to my life. Just 6 weeks of getting out and doing my best has given me a new reason to go on. The depression is still there. Some days it is still crippling. It won't always be.

Tonight I had a too few many cookies and treats at a potluck. At first I couldn't understand why I kept eating! Then I sat down and started to write and realized I was pushing food in to my mouth to give my brain something else to think about. Processing it and moving on is a much better solution.

So I am going to go home after work, sleep, and go out and get a few miles in before getting ready for another long night. And then it's the weekend! Hallefreakinglujah. My goal for this weekend is to go for a 6.2 mile walk. No running or jogging allowed, I just want to get out and walk a 10k. I will let you know how it goes.

Short and Sweet

I dithered about going for my run yesterday. For a while I sat on my bed, all dressed to go out... trying to talk myself out of going. Last weeks funk still has its claws in me. Eventually I stopped listing of excuses and just went.

I am so glad I did! I knocked 8 seconds off my mile and 32 seconds off my 5k. It seems like such a small number but it felt great!

Nike + Stats

The run itself was on the painful side, I actually walked a large part of it... But I did it! This only my second time doing a full 3.1 miles.

We switched glasses, what do you think?

Work last night was busy but I still found time to have a little bit of fun with a coworker. A. has been super supportive of my efforts to get healthy and I really appreciate her friendship.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Piriformis Soreness

Welcome to my new readers, those of you who came over from Runs for Cookies and commented are much appreciated. This blog hasn't been active for very long, and I don't expect it to ever have a large readership, but I do enjoy getting comments. So thanks!

At my appointment on Monday I talked to my PA about the soreness in my right leg. This leg is my 'bad' leg and was a concern I had before I took up 10k training. In mid 2011 I fell with my entire weight on the outside of my lower leg. The bruise was awful, I wish I still had a picture. It extended from my knee all the way down to my ankle and was nearly black for months. The swelling was so bad I couldn't crouch, or get down on my hands and knees without my entire leg feeling like it was on fire and about to explode. When I first fell I couldn't even feel my foot.

At first they thought I might have had compression syndrome, and then they thought I had a clot, luckily neither of those turned out to be an issue. It did turn out that I had a rather large hematoma in the calf and it took weeks for it to actually stop bleeding. I took it as easy as possible, but was only able to get a week off work to keep it iced and elevated. Making the issue worse was the fact that my sister, her 2 year old, and 3 month old were living with me at the time. I tried to get back to normal life but my leg still bothered me, it didn't feel the same. I begged my NP at the time for physical therapy, but was given a prescription for pain medicine instead.

The pain medicine was awful, and after a few months I quit taking it all together and asked for therapy again, only to be told no. My NP actually dismissed me because I refused to take the medication she prescribed. Ugh! Luckily my next NP was amazing (and moved soon after I switched to her, grr), and quickly referred me to an orthopedic (almost a year after the injury). He took did a bunch on xrays and then spent an hour manipulating my leg. Turns out I had bursitis in the greater trochanter, a compressed sciatic nerve, and a cyst in my upper calf (which will never go away, it's left over from the hematoma). Luckily I didn't have to have surgery (anesthesia is a phobia of mine), but I did have fluid pulled out of the bursa, and received a cortisone shot. The worst part was he said most of the issues could have been avoided if I'd done physical therapy!

The shot was the worst thing I ever did. It took me almost 6 months to realize that although the pain was gone, my control that muscles on my right hip was decreased. The relief from the cortisone has worn off and now I am stuck with a leg that doesn't always do what I want. So it came as no surprise to me when the pain increased after a few weeks of training to run a 10k. My new PA is an amazing athlete, and in addition to her medical training, she is also a certified trainer and marathon runner. Lucky me : ) The moment I described the issue she was able to pinpoint the problem and showed me several stretches to do before and after running (or any activity) to help with the piriformis and other muscles in that region. I did them today and was able to go about 2/3rds of my run without any issues.

Once I got to work I printed off some more information and tons of stretches. Hopefully as I lose weight and gain strength the pain will decrease. Even if it doesn't I am not going to give up running. It's the first exercise other than Zumba that I have truly enjoyed.

Swimming, again! And more...

As soon as the sunshine hits I spend as much time as possible in the water. For Mother's Day I went to my parents house, we had a small lunch and were trying to decide what movie to watch when the sun broke through the clouds. The forecast had called for mid 60s and rain, but we ended up in the 70s with sunshine so we loaded my car with a picnic and blankets and headed off for the river.

I absconded with my Step-Dad's hat.

My Step-dad drove the motorcycle (which means I got to steal his hat) so it was just Mom and I on the 40 minute drive. We had lots of time to talk and spent a lot of it talking about my Dad, who has been gone for 7 years at the end of the month.

The motorcycle and my car hanging out.

Each time we go I get in a little faster. The water is still on the cool side right now (and honestly, it never gets truly warm in this part of Oregon) so it takes a few minutes to get numb. As soon as the water hit my waist I just sat down and soaked myself head to toe.

The River.

We swam, ate, relaxed on the blankets, read, collected rocks for my project, and enjoyed having the water to ourselves. After a few hours we headed home. I had to pull over about a third of the way and let Mom drive.


Scenery

 The roads are incredibly windy and not in the best shape, and this was actually my first time driving them in the years we've been going. I was tired (had been up since 8pm the night before) and just couldn't focus on the road anymore. Luckily my Mom loves to drive my car.

Mom and me.

Once we got back to their house we stretched out to watch a movie and I slept through the whole thing. All in all I think I slept 5 hours on their couch. It's a good thing I spoiled Mom with flowers, a plant, cookies, an beautiful card. Hopefully that made up for my snoring.

Monday I had a doctors appointment and errands to run, so I headed in to town early. I found some great produce sales, so I will definitely be juicing this week! Seed wise I bought habanero, jalapeño, mixed hot peppers, mixed mesclun, Swiss chard, spinach, and collard greens.

My doctors appointment went well. We are going to give my new med 3 more months and reevaluate. So I don't have to go back for 3 months! Between my asthma and depression I have been at the doctors office nearly every 6 weeks this year.

My weight was down 3lbs from my last visit, but still up from my lowest weight this year. My doctor is actually a PA and she just happens to be a personal trainer and coach too... So she showed me a few stretches to do before and after running and provided lots of encouragement.

I came home and planted my seeds, then set to cleaning house and getting ready for the work week. For tomorrow I have scrambled Mexican eggs & potatoes, half a blueberry oatmeal smoothie, sliced veggies and fruit, and a salad.

I started using My Fitness Pal to track calories and activity this weekend and hope it helps keep me accountable!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Depression Crash

I have slowly opened up to people around me about my ongoing struggle with depression. It seems like the more I acknowledge its existence, the less of a hold it has over me.

Friday morning I was at the peak of a huge high. It had been slowly intensifying over a week or so and I knew the upcoming crash was going to hurt. Luckily I was able to rearrange my schedule last minute so I had Friday night off.

Something I've learned recently is how to anticipate my crashes and do everything I can to avoid them interfering with my work. When I clocked out Friday morning I was feeling good. Even though I knew things weren't going to last I was determined to savor what was left.

After dropping flowers off at work for my Mom (happy nurses week by the way!) I headed to the bank to cash my check. Ever since injuring my ankle last week I knew I needed real running shoes. Since I'm prone to clumsiness anyway, it seemed like I was just setting myself up for a world of hurt if I didn't invest in the correct gear for my newfound passion.

So I had budgeted out money for some fancy new kicks. I ran to the store for new workout pants and socks, and then went to the only shoe shop in town that caters to people needing speciality shoes for work/hiking/ect.

I'd been to this place earlier in the week and had a great experience with a woman clerk. She fit me (just for size - not gait/running style) and set aside the shoes for me to pick up after I got paid. I spent all week fantasizing about these shoes.

The reviews I read online were great, and the online fit guides all pointed me to this shoe as well. They were expensive though. $110 is a ton of money to me. Money I could have used for a lot of other things.

Unfortunately the lady who had helped me earlier in the week was not at the store. I was helped by the store owner who told me I am too heavy to run, and while he knew it wasn't his place, he was sure I would injure myself.

CRASH. All the joy I had about this purchase gone in an instant. I paid for the shoes and left, already crying. It took me hours to actually put them on. I posted to Facebook about my experience and received an overwhelming amount of support.

I stumbled through the rest of the day, trying to do things that would postpone the low that always follows a high. I shopped. Walked. Talked. Went to the beach and the farmers market.

Bandon

And went off the deep end as soon as I got home.

I binged like crazy. I'd sleep, eat, read, wake up and eat, then sleep again. After 24 hours of this behavior I was shaking. Everything looked hazy. I couldn't focus. I wanted to die. I felt so worthless.

I turned my phone back on and went back and read all the supportive things people had said on my post. I prayed for healing. Slowly I am cleaning up after the mess I made of my house. I showered and put on clean clothes. I'm making healthy cookies for Mothers Day.

Brooks Addiction 10

When the sun comes up I am going to put on my shoes and run. That man is wrong. With God (and the wonderful people He has put in my life) on my side I can do ANYTHING.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Lesson of the day: Don't give up!

I hit 3.1 miles today for the first time. It took 56:49 but I did it!

Today's run was a bit of a mishap. I set out to the river earlier in the day and spent two hours enjoying the cool water. A good part of that time I spent swimming/walking against the current in an effort to reach the shallows so I could collect rocks for a project. My legs were tired by the time we got back to the van!

Powers

Bill jumping off the diving board

Even though my ankle was still sore I decided to go for a run while my Mom cooked dinner. I got dressed and told her if I wasn't back in 45 minutes or so to call me. I've driven the area around my parents house countless times, but wasn't quite sure which way to go when running.

My initial plan was to do an out and back down the road I was most familiar with, but my Step-Dad suggested doing a loop around, promising it was just over 3 miles. Mom said it was probably longer, but I really liked the idea of not doing an out and back so I took off the direction Bill suggested.

Almost instantly I was ready to quit. My legs were heavy and tired from swimming, and my stomach hurt. Instead of turning around I kept going. The road was a nice change because it had some subtle hills and sharp curves, but there was barely any shoulder. I had to hold my breath while big trucks came barreling at me.

My parents live in an incredibly rural area (population 120 - and I think that includes domestic animals ;), and I'd say a vast majority of those people are farmers of some sort. Some keep organic dairy cows, others have horse ranches, a few pig farmers, a couple large scale gardeners, and chickens everywhere!

View while running.

These drivers aren't used to slowing down for runners on the road. I know how I drive these roads... I doubt I will run it again! The entire way I was beating myself up because I couldn't keep pace with my training app. The walk periods felt short, and almost every time I glanced at my phone it said I still had 15-40 seconds left to run. It was agonizing!
At one point I was pretty sure I was lost and tried to call my Mom but the phone was busy. Finally I just kept going, trying to run as much as I could, still really disappointed in what I thought was my inability to do a full minute.

View while running.

Once I hit 3.1 minutes I realized I still had a good mile to the house. Defeated and angry I tried to channel that negative energy in to something positive. Even though my training for the day was done I'd run as far as I could as fast as I could, walk, catch my breath, and go again.
When my Mom drove up next to me at 3.42 miles I was overjoyed! I turned off Nike + and climbed in the passenger seat. I'd been gone for an hour, so she'd come to make sure I was ok. I have the best parents! I'd been thinking about calling for a ride from the moment I hit 3.1, but didn't want to give up.

View while running.

I started fiddling with my phone to post my run to Facebook and realized I had set my training to the wrong day. Instead of running 1 minute, walking 4 minutes, running 1 minute... I was running 1.30, walking 3.30, and repeating. No wonder I could never make it as far as my phone said to go!
Between the new road, tired legs/sore ankle, and wrong training day I still feel like I did pretty well today. Once back at my parents I collapsed on to the floor and stretched. Then I enjoyed dinner. 1 rib, a serving of cottage cheese, and baked beans. Mom had cooked me two ribs, but I could barely finish the first.

The best thing about running so far has been its affect on my appetite. It's shrinking!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Training Partner & Races

Awesome sauce baby! My sister has agreed to train with me for the Prefontaine Memorial Run (10k). We live 4 hours apart but are using the same Run 10k app and keeping each other accountable. The 10k is in September, so hopefully I will be able to schedule a vacation around it, that way we can hang out a lot while she is in town.

This won't be our first race though. We are both signed up for the Fat to Finish Line Virtual 5k. I am over the moon about this 5k!

Fat to Finish Line

My original plan was to do a Couch to 5k program and then find one in my area. The app I was using though was just too tough, it moved so fast, I couldn't keep up. I found the Run 10k app and it progresses at a better pace, plus I've always wanted to participate in our local Pre.
Steve Prefontaine was from my area. The 10k is run every year here in honor of his memory. Our training program ends quite a while before that race, so the FtFL 5k is perfect timing.

Today has been great. I got off work early this morning, that never happens anymore, which means I got some extra time in bed. Then I got a text from my sister saying she had done her first training run! Just a few more hours at work and I'll be headed home. This weekend is supposed to be gorgeous, so you better bet I will be outside enjoying the sunshine.

Here are a few iPhone pictures from my drive home... The best part of my day, I love this area.

View from car.

View from car.

View from car.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Labels

Am I a blogger? A runner?

Yes and yes.

I may not be good or consistent at the whole blogging thing, but I have one and occasionally it get used. Therefor I am a blogger.

My mile might be 20 minutes long, but I do it. I may walk part of it. Jog part of it. Run part of it. I do it though, and that's what counts. A lot of the running blogs I read focus on the importance of identifying yourself as a runner regardless of what others say.

Running Route

No one has commented negatively on this new habit of mine. In fact the support I am getting from friends (many of whom run marathons!) is amazing. It's part of the reason I run. Knowing these women are out there cheering me on my way to a healthier life means a lot.
I've worn a lot of labels in my life. Some came from others. Some from doctors. Some from a deep ugliness inside of me that God has been patiently streaming light on waiting for me to realize that darkness is beautiful. It is His. His to heal, His to claim, His to transform. All I have to do is give it to Him.

Another label I wear is beloved child of God. This, this is the label I wear most proudly, yet struggle against hardest.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Fertility and Running

At a doctors appointment earlier this month I found out I am not ovulating. My progesterone is extremely low. If I remember right my doctor said to ovulate your level should be 5. Mine was 0.38.

I was deflated. After years of trying with my ex-husband, we were told that an infection I had as a teen left me infertile. Last year I found out that the scarring from that infection was none existent and I was told I -could- have children.

So I had been contemplating babies... And then BAM. No babies for me. Not right now.

In hopes of increasing my progesterone naturally, I am supposed to be working out 6 days a week. I say supposed to because to be absolutely honest I am lazy, especially on the days I work. 12 hour shifts plus a commute makes working out look lame compared to sleep.

So I ran for a week and then took 2 weeks off. I am one of those people that has to deal with one thing at a time. An extreme depression low hit me hard, and I have spent the last two weeks healing my soul.

Today... Today I went out and ran! For 30 seconds. Then I walked. Then I ran. An app on my phone tells me what to do, and I just goooooo. It felt so good!

Once I lose 60lbs I am going to have my progesterone rechecked. Hopefully running pays off and my body starts to work again.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone