7 Years

I was in the shower worrying about life, wondering how things could be different... I felt a jaw-dropping wave of peace and warmth. I heard a voice telling me that everything would be alright, never give up, remember the sunshine.

A while after getting out of the shower the phone rang downstairs. I knew. I told my Grandma I didn't want to take the phone call. She told me I had to come to the phone.

I walked down the stairs and took the phone, the kitchen was dirty and the back door was open to the Missouri sunshine. The phone felt greasy, holding it was hard. It was Mom. "I am so sorry baby, I wish I didn't have to tell you this on the phone... Dad died."

The fridge door was suddenly holding me up. Grandma Momo reaches for me, her parents have been gone longer than I've been alive, she understood.

She bought me a plane ticket home as I packed. We sat in the backyard and talked, and didn't talk... Waiting for it to be time to go.

My Grandpa had died 6 months before, we had celebrated his life recently. Momo told me to be strong for Mom. Don't cry, don't make it any worse for your Mom.

It took 3 planes and all day to get in to Seattle. The airline was very sweet and gave me priority boarding so I could find a quiet place to sit. While boarding my first flight I stopped at the gap between the plane and the walk way.

It was raining. May 31st in Missouri. Rain has meant something more to me since. I got off the plane in Seattle and hugged my sister Becky until my arms were tired. Mom was next, then Nicole (foster sister), and then I noticed my Mom's best friend Rebecca. I remember being grateful she was there because it meant none of us had to drive.

We started the 3 hour drive home while they filled me in on what happened. It was sudden. Unexpected. When we got home I laid down on his side of my parents bed, face buried in his pillow and cried.

I broke my promise not to cry. Sometimes you just HAVE to cry.

It's hard to believe its been 7 years. Becky was days away from being 19, I was two weeks from 22. Nicole is in between the two of us. We were kids.

Becky is married and has 2 babies, and Nicole is married with 3. I am divorced with cats. ;)

My parents had a tendency to adopt our friends. I think it was something to do with Dad being a Pastor and Mom being a nurse. Their mission in life was to help people.

One of our friends posted on Facebook today about missing Papa Phil and the impact he had on her life. She is a strong, beautiful woman and the fact that my Dad had something to do with that means so much.

People try to tell you that grief gets easier with time... I'm not sure that its easier.... But rather that it becomes a part of who you are and you learn to accept it.



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Progress

A week ago today I was out of my mind. A week ago tomorrow morning I was sitting next to my Mom at the doctors office, being told I had 30 minutes to check myself in to the hospital, if I didn't show up they would call the police. Admitting that I was dangerous to myself was one of the hardest things I have ever done. It was one of the best things too.


I've taken my meds every day since I've been home. There are a few new ones and I'm struggling with the dizziness that comes with them, but hopefully those will go away with time.


I've spent some time in the garden. Tomorrow or the next day I should go out and weed. Housework is getting done. It's not perfect, and its definitely not company ready, but it's ok and not driving me nuts.


I was home in time to celebrate my 1 year anniversary with Olivia. Yeahp, call me the crazy cat lady! Oli came home on May 26th (her birthday is April 4th - same as Grumpy Cat) and I was happy to be home in time for that. She got some fresh catnip and tuna (which she completely ignored and let Cordi eat)...

Both girls have been very loving, which makes me feel like things are working. Before everything happened they weren't cuddly anymore, Cordi would hide from me, and I yelled at them all the time. We are back to 'normal' here. I get lots of love and kisses and no one runs away when I try to pick them up. Small victories.

My diet has been ok. Today is a cheat day, and it was worth every bite! I haven't run since Thursday, so I am going to go back out tomorrow and slay a couple of miles. On the treadmill at the hospital I really enjoyed pushing myself, I'm kind of dreading going back to being slow on the road.

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Resting in Christ

2 Corinthians 12:9 (NIV)
9 But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.

The three days I spent in the hospital were a God send. The new anti-depressant I started several weeks ago threw me for a loop. The harder I tried to hold on the deeper I fell. As much as I pretended to have it all together, that I had hope, that things were getting better....

I wasn't safe to be alone. My parents were at their wits end trying to help, and when I went to the doctor on Wednesday I wasn't able to hide behind smiles...

So in to the hospital I went. You see all the commercials for anti-depressants and it talks about how it can increase certain feelings in children and teenagers.... Well, if you're bipolar it can do the same thing!

Yeah, so I am bipolar. Found that out while at the hospital. I spent a lot of time with doctors, nurses, and mental health professionals who all came to the same conclusion. Especially considering my diagnosis of ADHD as a child.

Turns out that a lot of people my age who were diagnosed with ADHD as kids were really early on-set bipolar. The periods of hyperactivity were maniac periods... And since I have struggled with depression for as long as I can remember.... The result was logical.

This makes sense since behavior therapy and sticking to a schedule was always more effective for me than the ADHD meds. I actually spent 12 days in the hospital when I was 11 for almost exactly the same reasons I did this past week.

An inventory of my adult years led to a stunning conclusion... Every time I hit a maniac period in the past I've moved, quit my job, started school, ended/started relationships, invested in a new hobby... Another words I always ran away and lost myself in something so I didn't have to address what was going on in my head.

This time I had no way to run. I can't quit my job, I'm not ready to go to school, and the idea of a new hobby when I have so many already was overwhelming. I was sleeping for days at a time. Or staying up for 48 hours straight. It took hours to fall asleep, and I'd spend hours cleaning and then the next week the dishes would sit in the sink until the house stunk.

It was everything or nothing. I'd find the middle of the road for a little bit and revel in it. This pattern has been going on for most of my life but the past 6 weeks or so have been hellacious.

The anti-depressant intensified everything and I finally crashed. At first I was strung out about inpatient treatment. The staff at the hospital was amazing! Every day I was reassured about my confidentiality, I was able to skip the typical admitting process and was actually hidden on the patient census. The people who took care of me are people I have worked with and at first that terrified me.

It shouldn't have. God went above and beyond. His timing is perfect. I was treated like a normal person who needed help. I didn't get special treatment (still had to hand over my phone and anything dangerous to myself or others) from the staff who knew me, but they did talk to me like a colleague when they could.

It was nice because they know what sort of stress I am under at work and we addressed some of the best ways to handle that stress. I learned lots of different coping strategies and ways to identify triggers and when I am starting to swerve out of the lines.

I'm off the anti-depressant and on mood stabilizers. I took some heavy duty sleep aides for a few days too, but am off the benzodiazepines now. Hopefully I will be able to go off 2 out of my 3 mood stabilizers in the future. One of the good things that came out of inpatient treatment was a being able to take a closer look at my other medications.

It looks like I might be able to go off my blood pressure medication and metformin soon, if the mood stabilizers don't cause anything to act up. Yay!

Back to resting in Christ... I am weak. Unbearably, hopelessly, desperately weak. There is a chance someone from work may find out about me being bipolar. That bothers me a little bit, but I am placing my trust in Him, because that is the only way I am strong.


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Hello

I spent Wednesday through Saturday in the hospital. Today is my first full day out and I've been taking it slow, trying to catch up life and rest.

Hopefully I will be back to posting soon.


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Curtains Teach Me A Lesson

My stomach bug from Saturday was back full force today, I made it to the grocery store for fresh produce and haven't left the house since. Instead of working out I set out to remedy the curtain situation. There were simple short khaki curtains up when I moved in, but the cats tore them down in a matter of weeks.


(You can see this window -an the original curtains- in the top middle, and bottom left pictures. )

I planned to frost this window and leave it otherwise bare (it looks directly in to part of the garden, which is likely to have someone in it when I need privacy), but I found some great fabric at a local estate sale that screamed curtains to me.

Last night I stitched it up and hung it. BLAH.


Totally keeping it real with the cat and laundry.

It felt boring and sort of 're-purposed bedsheet' to me so I went digging in my box from the estate sale and pulled out some yellow fabric. Originally I bought this fabric to make scrub pants for Mom and myself, but it turned out to be subtly tied dyed. No go for scrubs. Mom suggested making curtains out of it, turns out she had a dang good idea.

I took down the curtains, re-stitched the top (to make the rod pocket wider) and then made two more panels from the yellow fabric.


Still on the fence about how it looks, but it is definitely better than last night. 100% of my furniture is 2nd hand, most of it was given to me by family or friends, is on loan from my landlord, or was purchased at the thrift store. Most of my decor is 2nd hand as well, a lot of it I inherited when my Dad died, and the rest is from garage sales or discount stores.

I'm slowly starting to piece together a decor all of my own. This is a MUCH better way to exert control over my life than through food. Which is why I am posting about it here.

It's important for me to learn what is an appropriate way to relieve stress and what is not. It's also a good lesson in instant gratification and patience. These curtains are ok for now. I may not be 100% in love with them, but it is a vast improvement over what it was before, and instead of obsessing over it, I am going to embrace the 'for now' and enjoy it until the cats shred to pieces. ; )

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Sucktackular

So far the title aptly describes the beginning of my days off. Saturday I had to call in sick and ending up spending an entire 24 hours in bed, wracked with nightmares and stomach problems. An upside to this is that a good long rest left my legs feeling great! My ankle is definitely on the mend, and my pirformis hardly feels sore.

Sunday afternoon I was able to drag myself out of bed and had a rather tearful phone call with my Mom. I felt better mentally and had a restlessness that needed to be quenched without leaving the house (in case my stomach got angry again), so I decided to conquer a few projects I've been putting off.

I made some quick curtains and hung them. Which made me realize that I needed to rearrange the house. It took several hours of pushing, pulling, and growling with frustration... But I love the layout now. My house is minuscule, so I am on a never ending quest to make the most of it.

While rearranging I ended up with the contents of a bookcase and a closet all over the floor. Honestly I have yet to pick most of it up. I'm tired and want to go to bed, but I can't stand the idea of leaving the house such a mess. So I'm blogging instead of doing anything productive!

As soon as I get some sleep (and finish cleaning) I'm heading out for my 10k walk. Which means I better get moving.


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Confessions

I opened up to friends today about how bad things have been mentally in the past few months. While getting that off my chest was refreshing, it left me feeling a lot more vulnerable. It's hard to find balance on how much is too much when it comes to being completely honest. Thank God I have some amazing friends, and a wonderful family! Even though I felt bare afterwards, it was nice to clue these women who mean so much to me in to what is going on.

My life right now is different than I imagined. I drive a decent car, live in a pretty (albeit small) house, and manage to keep my bills paid and generally have a smidgen left over for a movie or a book every few paydays. I don't need much, and generally don't find myself lusting for material things. I have a support system that many people dream of, and I am on my way to a healthier me.

And I still find myself spiraling down deeper in to depression. Which makes me feel guilty. And then comes more depression. It's a vicious cycle. Occasionally I break free, but never for very long. Sometimes I spiral up, so far up that I lose control and find myself slamming back so hard that it undoes everything I've previously achieved.

How do you tell people that even though you're happy, you are depressed? I feel like such a whiner when I say that. When someone asks me how I am I smile and say it's OK. It reminds me of when my Dad died, and very few people really wanted to hear "it sucks, I cry all the time and when I do manage to smile, it hurts"... I know from experience that grief gets better. That gives me that depression will too.

Dad has been gone 7 years at the end of this month. How vastly I've changed in those 7 years. I'm a grown up now. I know he would be is proud of everything I've accomplished and the woman I am. I do not miss him less now, but I don't wallow in grief either. His absence has simply become a part of who I am. Some days I wonder if I'd be who I am now if he hadn't of died. Scratch that, I KNOW I would be different. Part of my success is fueled by a pledge to honor his memory and live a full life.

When I was little my Dad lost a lot of weight by running. He went on to join the Navy, and then left to become a pastor. The pounds came back and by the time I was a teenager he was morbidly obese. When he learned he was a Type 2 diabetic everything changed. He started eating right, walking, and doing his best to honor the body God gave him to take care of. (My Dad fought a lifelong battle with depression as well, he was someone I could always talk to because he got it.)

When I lace up my running shoes I am promising to do everything in my power to live long enough to meet my grandchildren. 4 years now a miniature version of my Dad has been roaming the earth, changing my families life forever. Sometimes I look at my nephew and stare, because it is like looking at my Dad. I dream about what it would be like to see them side by side, laughing and playing with each.

I want to be there when my (someday) kids have kids. So I am going to conquer the darkness and run in the light. It's funny how much peace training for this 10k has brought in to my life. Just 6 weeks of getting out and doing my best has given me a new reason to go on. The depression is still there. Some days it is still crippling. It won't always be.

Tonight I had a too few many cookies and treats at a potluck. At first I couldn't understand why I kept eating! Then I sat down and started to write and realized I was pushing food in to my mouth to give my brain something else to think about. Processing it and moving on is a much better solution.

So I am going to go home after work, sleep, and go out and get a few miles in before getting ready for another long night. And then it's the weekend! Hallefreakinglujah. My goal for this weekend is to go for a 6.2 mile walk. No running or jogging allowed, I just want to get out and walk a 10k. I will let you know how it goes.